August 15th

Will be 2 and 1/2 years since my divorce was final.
Seems odd to know this or even care....but I have been waiting ....
For the house to be sold, my VA home loan guarantee to be released, to move forward with my life....
and still im disappointed and laughingly amused at the lack of care being given to the "deal"

Tyler, My middle son is moving in with me, My oldest son is shipping out for Naval training center Chicago on the 20th of August, And my Daughter is moving with her mom To Burien to be closer to Her current boyfriend.

Deep sigh...

Instead of co-paying for my Daughters braces that she needs, My Ex's priorities mirror her own self service attitude. Instead , she purchased half of a $4,300 motorcycle and cant be bothered because she's moving.

Her mom still pays for her gas on a gas card.

I will borrow the money from my family friends, in lieu of the home sale, and get further in debt for my kids. That's no problem.

I have paid child support, and started on my new life once i found out i wasn't needed anymore...it has been very tough. Paying my own rent alone, insurance, gas , electric, and getting a place big enough for everyone. Trading in a dying van, a car payment ( never late ), food, and miscellaneous life things....Minimalism for sure...sometimes not enough money for food, Thnx Gramma Isa, Mom, Dustin and Laura, Rob and Linda and Many many many more...the supporting characters for this play are a funny lot.

Lawyers bills and my inability to let BS walk, Amex, NFCU, ETc ETc...Music and friends help me to cope.

I am horrible at boundries, and getting very tired of calls from wellsfargo about late payments on a car i don't have, and calls from THE VA about the home loan being 90 days passed due....
My credit is probly 200, so bad infact that sears cancelled a card i have been current and not carried a balance on in 3 years, because it was so bad...a $250 limit...lol

every bright point has been followed by a very long one of DARK...

Kinda like sunset...My favorite time of every summer night.

I have loved since, poorly, childishly, jealously...and foolishly.

i have no regrets, learning about people's truest natures, heaping the walls so high....

So i won't get hurt again

Its been a year since i held , kissed, laughed, loved, shared myself, The little boy inside runs to the windows of his soul and peers out at the beauty of people all around him...but the tired betrayed, sage man calls him back.....it all ends , it all ends.

I love you,
Never Stop Caring

Darkness and Pain lead to learning and love, no matter how much glass and self loathing you have ....we are amazing , we are worth it, we are to be loved.

I know about addiction, i know about selfishness, i know about betrayel and a lot of other negative things...

I know that the power of loving someone else mutes these so that we can tolerate them.....

My love for my children has helped me survive...

I'm not my father, or my mother.

I've spent 3 years sleeping on the couch / Futon, so my kids will have their own rooms and beds.

I have slept on the floor so their friends can spend the night.

This bag of bones is tired....